Hey, Mom? E.T. Is Sick And I Think He’s Built A Bomb

Look I know I must sound crazy but I swear I’m not crazy! E.T. is real and he’s sick, mom! You really have to believe me right now. He was hiding in our tool shed and then I lured him here with Reese’s Pieces and he’s been living with us this whole time! You just haven’t really opened your eyes — how you missed him when you were refilling the fridge, I’ll never know. And no, I’m not making this up as a way to get attention because you and dad got divorced. Do you think I’d really try to cope with your separation by inventing an alien? Especially one that has built an actual bomb?

E.T. has been making me do some strange stuff lately and through some sort of mind-reading I learned that he wanted to build a device to phone home because he’s fallen ill. I’ve been feeling pretty under the weather lately too — hope it’s unrelated.

Anyway, I did the helpful thing and got him all of the stuff he asked for: A Speak & Spell, lead azide, pentolite, an umbrella lined with tinfoil, firing pins, primers, an old MJB coffee tin, potassium chlorate, a wooden coat hanger, electrical wires, sulfuric acid, batteries, blasting caps, a sawblade, TNT, and an alarm clock. He put it all together and it sort of looked like a hobo computer, but I figured it was the best he could do with Earth technology.

I just told Michael about it and then he started freaking out. He said everything I gave him is straight out of The Anarchist’s Cookbook on the section for bomb-building, except for the Speak & Spell. He said that must’ve been a false flag. Aw, shoot! I wasn’t supposed to tell you Michael has a copy of that book. He’s gonna kill me. If E.T. doesn’t kill us all first.

None of this makes sense. Why would E.T. build a bomb, mom? We went to the woods last night and he used his device — I thought — to phone home. But now I’m pretty sure he put it in there so no one would be able to find it before it goes off. That’s why we brought you here — to see if we could disable the bomb and figure out why would we want to kill us. Oh no, we’re doing it again. We keep referring to us as we.

We think we’ve figured it out! We is a parasite that has infected we, that’s why we’re so sick. Because we wants to take over our younger body because our alien body is so old.

Oh God, the alarm clock says ten seconds left, mom. We love you so much. I mean we, not E.T.

3…2…1…BOOM

Mom? Open your eyes! We’re alive! It’s just rainbows, mom! They’re everywhere! It was just a rainbow bomb! Weeee!!!